I went to the psychiatrist

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

A guy shows up late for work

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A guy tells his psychiatrist

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

Going Home - Yet another further Batch of Very Funny Jokes

A man sitting at a bar decides that he has had enough to drink. He gets up off his stool, but instantly collapses the moment he takes a step. He pulls himself up, and takes another step only to collapse. He manages to make his way out the door, collapsing at every step.

He walks/falls down the street until he finally reaches his front steps. He tries to walk up them, but has to drag himself up the stairs due to his inability to stand. He fumbles in his pocket for his key, and collapses into his home as the door opens.

He manages to drag himself up the stairs, and collapses into bed. His wife asks him, "Jim, have you been drinking?"

He replies, "Of course not, dear. I’ve been playing poker with, uh, uh, that other guy."

She responds, "Well, it's a wonder you got home. The bar called and said you left your wheelchair."

Statistic Jokes

- If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?

- Remember half the people you know are below average.

- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

- Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

- All generalizations are false.

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Memory Jokes

- I don't remember being absent minded.

- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

- My wife says I never listen, or something like that ...

- I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

- A forgetful cow gives milk of Amnesia!

- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

- The more you say, the less people remember.

-When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Really Funny Short Jokes About Sex ~ Funny Sex Jokes

- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

- The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

- My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

- Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

- The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

- Some sex is good ... more is better ... too much is just about right.

- Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury.

- Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.