I went to the psychiatrist

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

A guy shows up late for work

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A guy tells his psychiatrist

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

Going Home - Yet another further Batch of Very Funny Jokes

A man sitting at a bar decides that he has had enough to drink. He gets up off his stool, but instantly collapses the moment he takes a step. He pulls himself up, and takes another step only to collapse. He manages to make his way out the door, collapsing at every step.

He walks/falls down the street until he finally reaches his front steps. He tries to walk up them, but has to drag himself up the stairs due to his inability to stand. He fumbles in his pocket for his key, and collapses into his home as the door opens.

He manages to drag himself up the stairs, and collapses into bed. His wife asks him, "Jim, have you been drinking?"

He replies, "Of course not, dear. I’ve been playing poker with, uh, uh, that other guy."

She responds, "Well, it's a wonder you got home. The bar called and said you left your wheelchair."

Statistic Jokes

- If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea ... does that mean that one enjoys it?

- Remember half the people you know are below average.

- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

- Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

- All generalizations are false.

- 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Memory Jokes

- I don't remember being absent minded.

- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

- My wife says I never listen, or something like that ...

- I can't remember the last time I forgot something.

- A forgetful cow gives milk of Amnesia!

- If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

- The more you say, the less people remember.

-When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

Really Funny Short Jokes About Sex ~ Funny Sex Jokes

- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

- The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

- My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

- Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

- The web isn't better than sex, but sliced bread is in serious trouble.

- Some sex is good ... more is better ... too much is just about right.

- Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury.

- Why is sex like a bridge game? You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.

Some Really Funny Short Jokes About Politicians and Governments ~ Political Jokes

- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

- Even crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.

- To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

- Stop repeat offenders - don't re-elect them!

- Don't steal. The government hates competition!

Really Funny Short Jokes About Men and Their Silliness ~ Stupid Men Jokes

- Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. So if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

- Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened.

- Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they're all over you.

- Men are like fish ... neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

- Just because men have one, doesn't mean they have to be one.

- Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

- Why men are like toilets: 1) They are always out of order. 2) They stink. 3) The nice ones are always engaged. 4) They consume large amounts of liquid. 5) They are constantly full of crap.

- Men are like cement ... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

A Third One of the Very Funny Jokes on Datingboz

Shortly after a long night of passion, John rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl he had just been with, Tony, if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

Nasty Dating Trouble - Another One of the Very Funny Jokes on Dating

A guy had just spent over an hour with a woman he found incredibly boring and who he couldn’t stand for another minute. However, he had arranged with a friend to call him as an excuse to leave the restaurant if the date wasn’t a success.

After answering the phone call, he returned to the table with a serious expression on his face. "My grandfather just died," he said solemnly.

"Thanks God," said the woman, "I was afraid that mine was going to have to if yours didn’t."

A shy man walks into a bar and sits at a table alone. He spots a beautiful woman sitting at a table, and takes an hour to screw up his courage to go talk to her. He asks, "Mind if I sit and chat for a while?"

She replies at the top of her lungs, "No, I’m not going to sleep with you!"

All eyes turn to the incredibly embarrassed man, who quickly escapes to his table.

A minute later the woman comes over to him with a cold beer and offers it to him, explaining, "I’m sorry about that. I’m a psychology grad student, and tonight I am studying the way that people react when in embarrassing situations."

The guy responds, shouting at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $300?"

Some Very Funny Jokes on Dating

- Andrew is getting set up for a blind date by his friend, Don.

Andrew is to meet Don's female friend, Mary, but this is Andrew's first blind date and seeing as how he is into people's looks and style of dress and that sort of thing, he is kind of worried about going out with someone he has never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly and dresses even worse?" says Andrew, "Then I'll be stuck with her all night, and it'll be terrible."

"Don't worry," Don says. "She's into looks and fashion just like you. But here's a plan: You go up to her door and meet her there first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned and you continue on your date. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack, after which you excuse yourself and leave. Problem solved."

So that night, Andrew knocks at Mary's door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andrew's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaauuuggghhh!"

Really Funny Jokes: The Dating Dictionary

- Attraction: Associating a feeling of being horny with a particular person.

- Love at First Sight: Two very horny, not very particular people when they first meet.

- Dating: Spending a good deal of energy, time, and effort into getting to know someone who you don’t even like now and will like even less in the future.

- Eye Contact: Something that women do to show that they are interested in men, but also something that men are unable to do, seeing as how they are so busy staring at the woman’s chest, rear, or anywhere else that isn’t her eyes.

- Friend: Someone who is not attractive enough to be suitable "date" material.

- Interesting: A word men use to get women to do all of the talking in a conversation.

- Irritating Habit: Something which, a few months back, was an endearing quality that attracted you to a person.

- Law of Relativity: The law that dictates just how attractive someone else is in relation to how unattractive your current date is.

- Nymphomaniac: The name given to a woman by a man who doesn’t want to have sex as much as she does.

- Sober: A state of being in which it is nearly impossible for two people to fall in love.

The Best Stupid 'What Do You Call' Jokes

 What do you call a man with a government subsidy?Grant.

- What do you call a guy who plants rice?Paddy.

- What do you call a guy who owns a truck?Van.

- What do you call a guy who is just like everybody else?Norm.

- What do you call a guy who fell ten floors from a building and landed on his head?Spike.

- What do you call a guy who is all feet?Archie.

- What do you call a guy who's been hung up on the wall by his belt?Art.

- What do you call a guy water skiing with no arms and no legs?Skip.

- What do you call a guy who gets walked all over?Matt.

- What do you call a guy who has been struck by lightning?Rod.

Your first marriage

 Your first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Your second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. Your third marriage is just plain old stupidity.

MARRIAGE

MARRIAGE, definition possibility no. 1: Marriage is an agreement whereby a man loses his bachelor degree and gains his master.

- MARRIAGE, definition possibility no. 2: Marriage is an agreement whereby a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master.

Funny One Line Jokes and Funny Stupid Questions

Still reading this page about very funny jokes?
That just goes to show your good judgment - and good judgment is something that comes from experience, though unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.

So learn from the mistakes of others (because you probably won't live long enough to make all of them yourself).

Or, you could wait, because all good things come in small packages to those who wait ...but so do all the bad things, and it's also the bigger the better and anyways time and tide wait for no man, woman or wombat.

Did you know we were going to say that? No wonder, because wise men think alike, but fools seldom differ.

Okay, we'll shut up now 'cause silence is golden', even if the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Warnings for Beer Bottles - Lots of Very Funny Jokes

Warnings that should be placed on alcohol bottles:

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you think that you are whispering when really you aren’t.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may be a major factor in you staggering around like an idiot.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the urge to call that really hot girl who is just dying to hear from you, when in fact she really isn’t.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may make you erroneously think that you have suddenly been endowed with amazing skills at Karate and Kickboxing.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol make cause you to think that you are invisible.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may give you the impression that people aren’t really laughing AT you, they’re laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may lead to unexplained carpet burns on your forehead.

WARNING: Consuming alcohol may mislead you into thinking that you are more handsome, stronger, smarter, and tougher than a really, really large man named Hans.

Going Home - Yet another further Batch of Very Funny Jokes

A man sitting at a bar decides that he has had enough to drink. He gets up off his stool, but instantly collapses the moment he takes a step. He pulls himself up, and takes another step only to collapse. He manages to make his way out the door, collapsing at every step.

He walks/falls down the street until he finally reaches his front steps. He tries to walk up them, but has to drag himself up the stairs due to his inability to stand. He fumbles in his pocket for his key, and collapses into his home as the door opens.

He manages to drag himself up the stairs, and collapses into bed. His wife asks him, "Jim, have you been drinking?"

He replies, "Of course not, dear. I’ve been playing poker with, uh, uh, that other guy."

She responds, "Well, it's a wonder you got home. The bar called and said you left your wheelchair."

A Couple of Guys in a Bar

A man seated at a bar turns to the man sitting next to him and says, "Hello, where are you from?"

The man next to him replies, "I’m from Ireland."

The first man’s eyes widen as he replies, "Me too! What part of the city are you from?"

The second man replies, "I’m from Castletown, near Phoenix Park."

The first man replies, "Me too! What’s the name of your grandmother?"

The second man replies, "Dorothy."

The first man replies, "Wow, mine too!"

About that time, a new customer walks into the bar and asks the barkeep, "Hey Mac, what’s new?"

The barkeep replies, "Nothing much. The Thompson twins are drunk again."

A wise person

A wise person once said: 'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder!' and we would add that you should consider this: 'Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.'

Three men

Three men are driving through the desert, but their car ends up stalling and breaking down. Each decides to take something with them to aid them in their trek through the desert.

The first, being a practical Englishman, grabs a bottle of water from the car. The second, being a staid Scotsman, grabs an umbrella. The third, being an Irishman, grabs the car door.

The others question his decision, but he mocks them saying, "This way I can always roll down the window when I get too hot walking in this desert."

An American

An American, a Russian, and a Pole were riding on a train. The American man pulled out a case of the finest cigarettes, took one drag on it, and proceeded to throw both the cigarette and pack out the window. His response to the shocked looks of the others was, "In America, we have lots of these."

Two muffins

- Two muffins are sitting in the oven, when one turns to the other muffin and asks, "Is it just me or is it hot in here?" The second muffin’s eyes widen and he exclaims, "Holy cow! A talking muffin!"

Marriage Jokes

- Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

- Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

- Marriage is like taking a bath... after you've been in it for a while, it isn't so hot.

- A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife that a fur coat will make her look fat.

- A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won't trust him to wash it.

- When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

- I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough.

- My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe. I have no objections - I let her talk

Police

- Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

- A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

- Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

- The only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back is a police horse.

- A women was found in her home in her bath tub surrounded by milk with a spoon up her pussy and a banana up her arse. Police suspect a cereal killer.

- Police will arrest a transvestite, and charge him with male fraud.

- A crate load of Viagra has been stolen from a distribution depot - police are looking for hardened criminals.

- A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"

Best Short Jokes Ever ... Just Take Your Time ~ Time Jokes

- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

- Time is the best teacher, but it kills all its students.

- A dry cleaner who is in a hurry for a date, will be pressed for time.

- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

- Some people ask the secret of our long marriage: We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Truth of life

Shocking Truths ~ Truth Jokes


- Always remember you're unique ... just like everyone else.

- No matter where you go, you're there.

- The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

- Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

- On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Jokes

- I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back!

- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out!

- A penis has a hole in the end so men can be open minded.

- A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.

- Don't confuse an open mind with one that's vacant.

- I don't remember being absent minded.

- I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Tax Jokes

 A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

- If a tax man and a lawyer were both drowning and you could only save one, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

- What do cannibal tax advisors do after their office Christmas dinner? Toast their clients!

- Taxes: Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.

- The difference between the short and long income tax forms is simple. If you use the short form, the government gets your money. If you use the long form, your accountant gets your money.

- People often say death and taxes are the same, but this is wrong. Death is a taxable event, but taxes never die.

- Born free ... taxed to death.

- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Condom Jokes

- Don't let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.

- Always wear Stealth condoms ... they'll never see you coming.


- To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the f*ck out of it!

- Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

- What do condoms and cameras have in common? They both capture the moment.

- What do you do with a year's worth of used condoms? Melt them, turn them into tire and call it a goodyear.

- What did the penis say to the condom? "Cover me I'm going in!"

I can’t think of anything

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)

A guy tells his psychiatrist

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?" "Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email."

Saul is working in his store

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

They say animal behavior

They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona. (Bob Hope/Gene Perret

I always look for a woman

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)

I was walking across a bridge

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)

China has a population of a billion people

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)

A guy shows up late for work

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" he replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

A guy joins a monastery

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

Two Irish guys are fishing.

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

TV commercials now

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery.

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

Last night

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)

I was on the subway

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner) 

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fuck around?"

Sid and Irv are business partners

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks. 'Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day." "Oh, my god," says Sid "So that's what heaven is like?" "Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."

I went to the psychiatrist

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy." I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, "Okay, you're ugly too!" (Rodney Dangerfield)

A Jewish man

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"

My grandfather always

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)

Two guys are walking

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

A guy is sitting

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

A guy has a talking dog

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

Three kids

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast."

Two campers are walking

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

A guy dies and is sent to Hell

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

Two campers are hiking

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I’ll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can’t leave," the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you’re gonna die."

A guy meets a hooker in a bar

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."

A guy enters

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

On a passenger flight

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

It's Game

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

A newlywed couple

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

A young boy

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Three guys

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."